Candy

-My brother, my mother, and I used to take a lot of trips to Bridgeport where we would then be ferried over to Port Jefferson, New York. On the steamboat that took us there, there was a snack bar and a big row of arcade machines, my favorite of which was “Cruisin’ USA,” because as each race started voluptuous cartoon ladies would waved a big, long flag at you and dance around and suggestively say “Gooooooo!” I paid some good money to see those cartoon ladies dance at me… But the best part of these trips was the quaint little shops they had in Port Jefferson that sold really old candies. I found out about these awesome vanilla flavored caramels they had called “Cowtales,” and the much rarer kind of caramel, “Sugardaddies,” and another kind of caramel called “Caramel Creams.” I don’t know why pretty much all old candies are made of caramel... but you have to love the names for them. I think all you need to make up a name of an old candy (circa early 1900’s) is an interjection and a shape of candy. I mean I’ve come up with a billion: “Gadzooks Bars,” “Fiddle Stick Fudge,” (I am aware Fudge is not a shape, but it just sounds right here) “Phooey Squares,” “Eureka Triangle Candies,”and “Sucrose Swastikas.”

-This one time I read a David Sedaris essay where he talks about one of his siblings having something called a “Fuck it bucket”… a bucket filled with candy for whenever he’s feeling down. I think that the “Fuck it bucket,” idea is a great one and I ,one day,  hope to have an entire “Fuck it room,” that’s filled with all kinds of Skittles and Starbursts. It would totally be aesthetically pleasing to have that many colors in one room.

-I, like everyone else, heard if you mix Coca-Cola and Mentos you can make some kind of rocket or bomb. That’s dumb though. If you need a rocket or a bomb you should buy an on-the-market rocket or bomb. They’re much more efficient. Never rely on candy for explosives; rely on explosives for explosives! Duh!

-Some more old candy names: “Luck-Me-Silly! Four-leafed-clover-shaped-chocolates!” The wrapper on it would have all sorts of Irish stereotypes on it, because again, I’m going with the early 1900’s theme here. Also “Suck Me Dry,” brand “Saltmints.” The text on this wrapper would be in a weird 1900’s-looking-font and read “Rival of the Peppermint!”