DELIGHTFUL AND RIDICULOUS THINGS

If you've never seen the sketches I wrote a while back, and you'd like to, you can find those here: http://ehhhwhynot.blogspot.com/2011/08/jokesobservations-and-2-sketchesshort.html

New Stuff:

There's a type of scientist called a Cryptozoologist whose area of focus is literally Big Foot and The Loch Ness Monster. If you get familiar with some of the science things these guys write... to say the least, it's not at the intelligence level of Shakespeare or Chaucer. I don't think it should count as science if the phrases "I dun' saw," and "Dontcha know it," are included in the thing. In the hypothesis. It shouldn't count if "I dun' saw," is included in the hypothesis.

My hobbies include flirting... and... and that's the list.

Sometimes I'll walk around with a clipboard and ask women if they're single and if they say that they're in a relationship then I just play it off like I'm just taking a poll and that's why I have the clipboard. But if they're single that's when I go in for the kill. The romantic kill.

I wish the expressions "thanks a lot," "congratulations," and "get a load of this guy," were used sincerely more of the time. Most of the time when people are saying that they're being all sarcastic and rude. But if more people said that stuff and meant it? Sheesh, that'd be great.

Sometimes, the things you think about when you're falling asleep are pretty crazy. Like, they make less and less sense as you get closer to being asleep. For me they do. Like, the very last thought I have before I'm asleep doesn't make any sense at all; the things just get more abstract and more abstract as I fall asleep. It's like this: when I lie down in my bed at night my first thought is "G-d, what a day! Too much homework!" Ten minutes in I'm much closer to falling asleep and it gets more abstract. I'm going "I wonder if there is a G-d?" Ten more minutes go by and I'm going "Why do so many people I know-- myself included-- explain the universe in spiritual terms and scientific terms at the same time? How is it, that we can truly believe both at the same time?" Then the last thought is even more abstract than the ones before and doesn't really have much to do with anything at all... none at all. That's the thing, the last thought I have before I fall asleep is just nonsense: in this case it went something like "I wonder if Satanists are against high-fives?" And that's when I fall asleep. Just an observation.

The other day I was in a store where I saw a bin with a label on it, and this bin was labeled "Discontinued Toys," and it was filled with really cheap toys. And this wasn't even in a toy store, by the way. This was in a Stop and Shop. Maybe it's connected to watching Toy Story 3, and how in that movie the cheap beaten up toys are the evilest ones, but it made me really sad to think about some child having to receiving a cheap, discontinued toy from Stop and Shop. And it made me so very sad to think that some child might receive a toy from this bin that-- to help out society-- I shoplifted the whole bin. That last sentence isn't remotely true but I think that this crime -- for one-- would be a justifiable crime. It's funny because it's tr— oubling.

If I had the choice between a handjob or a dozen sincere compliments I would really struggle with that decision. But if I had the choice between a dozen handjobs or one sincere compliment, that would be a much, much easier choice.

There are some things I haven't grown out of: when I was six was the first time I had the thoughts "Sometimes, girls are annoying," and "I really want to go home," and I haven't gotten past either of those feeling yet. I've gotten much, much, much better (fortunately) but they're not 100% yet. But listen:

Sometimes I'm amazed at how little people change, and it's really something. A while back I was watching the Daily Show and laughing at a comedy bit where the jokes at that moment on the show were just Jon Stewart making funny faces. And that's when I went to the front door of my apartment building where a pizza deliveryman was waiting for me. As I started to dig in to that first slice and sat myself down on the couch I realized "I'm being fed by someone else and laughing at a big funny face that's being shoved in front of my eyes. It's like I haven't changed at all--agewise-- since one. It's like I've been (and we've all been) one this whole time."