Some Jokes

Here are some jokes and an essay about how my first time doing stand up went. Read whatever. There are probably some typos in all this that I'll go and fix later.

Some jokes:

- I like weird expressions. I just do. I can't explain it but when I hear an older person call a shopping cart “a shopping carriage,” or call a pair of sandals “a pair of thongs,” I just can't help but smile. Ya know, because old people are different some of the time and it's funny when that happens.

- Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm 90% sure “No one cares,” and “Shut up,” are the only two responses in the English language that work for everything.

- Scented markers are generally a bad thing. Many people I know only know the kind of scented markers that smell good, but in third grade (and this is absolutely, precisely true) I had a yellow highlighter that was supposed to smell like popcorn. It was terrible, both the idea of it and the actual product! I mean it smelled a lot less like popcorn and a lot more like feet... that is, if someone covered their feet in cow manure and then vomited on the cow manure while rubbing garlic on their freshly produced vomit while a man with food poisoning farts all over the garlicy cow dung. That's what it smelled like to me. In short, scented markers can, in fact, be a bad thing.

- Like all 18 year old dudes I have three interests: music, comedy, and sex. Let me tell you when I hear songs like “My Dick,” or “My Humps,” that are songs about comedically explicit I just lose it. How could I not? Those songs cover all three of my interests at once... I'm.... I'm a simple person.

- When I was a little younger you couldn't turn on the tv without seeing a commercial for Glade Scented Plug-Ins. What was weird was those things come with the strangest, most specific scents in the world. They never come with the standard one word scents. There's no “Mango,” and no “Vanilla.” They always come with “Linen Closet With Cranberries,” or “Flowing Mountain Stream,” or “Six Month Old Packaging of Strawberry Pop Rocks Imported From Hungary.” (That last part's kinda confusing and awkward to read, but you're smart, so you get the principal of what I was going for.)