- Two summers ago, while at Kutz summer leadership camp, I tried pretty hard to bond with my bunk-mates. Like when we were all moving in I noticed my roommate Tyler unpacking Cetaphil brand facial cleaner and I said to him “Tyler, I use that exact same stuff!” Tyler said back to me, “Yeah, that shit really works.” I think it was the first time the phrase “That shit really works,” was used and wasn't a reference to hardcore drug use. In his defense though, that shit really does work.
- Calling someone socially awkward is a terrible thing to do. Because when you're calling someone socially awkward you're really saying they're bad at all interactions. I mean it's not just saying “Your bad at giving presents,” or “You always take too long when you're saying goodbye,” or “You act too enthusiastic when you're saying thank you for something.” It's saying “Holy fuck, man. You're not good at annnnny of it.” It's a pretty terrible thing to say.
- I've noticed there's a difference between being sexy and being sexual and here it is: when you're sexy, you're sexual and everyone agrees it's a good thing. When you're just “sexual,” you're in a weird, gray space and you have to wait until people decide. It's still up for debate basically.
- I love jokes. Just jokes in general, I love them so much. In fact so much so that I think my most nightmarish scenario possible is this: I'm in a room with a person wearing a novelty shirt and I can only see the front of the shirt, which is the set-up of the joke. Now the set-up on the front of this guy's shirt is something real cute, like “What did the oak tree say to the pine tree?” At this point I'm wondering “What did the oak tree say to the pine tree? That's a good-ass question.”Now I say to the guy “Hey, turn over so I can see the punchline.” The guy doesn't respond. “I say, turn over,, I want to hear the end of the joke.” The guy just stares blankly ahead. I go, “Seriously, what did the oak tree say?” This goes on for forever. I mean, can you imagine? That'd be awful.
These sketches are really weird but I hope you like them anyway...
Sketch #1
Ridiculously-Overly-Guilty Man Tries To Check Into A Mental Hospital
(At rise, TONY walks into Gaylord Hospital and approaches the check-in desk.)
TONY: Yes, I'd like to check in to your mental wellness center.
RECEPTIONIST: Yes sir. I'm going to need to see a referral.
TONY: Oh, believe me lady. I'm one messed up dude. I don't think you're gonna need a referral to take in a guy like me.
RECEPTIONIST: Sir, we can't let anyone into our facilities without a referral from a doctor or specialist.
TONY: Take me word for it. Seriously, I'm not a well person.
RECEPTIONIST: Sir...
TONY: Believe me! I mean where do I start with how screwed up in the head I am! Like, first of all, just one thing I'm doing that's just not healthy... I never recycle.! And it's not like there's any physical barrier preventing me from recycling! I just never do it! I'm too lazy!
RECEPTIONIST: That's not a sign of mental illness sir... in fact that's pretty typical...
TONY: That's not even the half of it! I watch television for three or four hours a day! It's not like anyone's forcing me to watch television! I choose to do it! Instead of something productive, like walking my elderly neighbor's dog or volunteering at a soup kitchen, I just sit on my ass and stare at a screen!
RECEPTIONIST: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave sir. You don't belong in this facility.
TONY: I'm just getting started here! I watch pornography! Not even the not-so-bad magazine stuff! I watch pornographic videos!
RECEPTIONIST: Okay, I've buzzed security. You have two minutes to leave the building.
TONY: What are you, kidding me? I'm totally bonkers in the head! I've littered not once, but twice! Two entire times! There's a special place in hell for people like me...
RECEPTIONIST: Sir, I'm looking at the security guards walking down the hall and toward you right now. I recommend you leave.
TONY: Okay! Okay! I'm out of here. But you might regret it. Sometimes when people hold the door for me at stores and airport lobbies I don't say thank you! What kind of psychopathic maniac does that? What kind of person?!
RECEPTIONIST: Sir...
(TONY is beginning to be dragged out of the hospital lobby)
TONY: I'm good as gone! But try to sleep well at night with this knowledge... one time I missed one of kids' soccer game! No bull! Just skipped the game of my own volition! Just... skipped... it!
(Curtain.)
Sketch #2
Fear Game
(At rise, JONATHON and SAMANTHA are sitting in a therapist's office)
THERAPIST: I have to assure you, this is a great exercise for couple's that have been together as many years as you guys and haven't gotten married. Let's get right into it, what do you say? The more you talk about little things like these, I think the more comfortable you'll be around each other.
JONATHON: Okay, are you ready?
SAMANTHA: Yeah. You should start though.
JONATHON: Okay, well let's start off with small stuff. I'm afraid of heights.
SAMANTHA: Okay, I'm kind of afraid of fire.
JONATHON: I'm afraid of dogs. Not just big ones. Any ones.
SAMANTHA: I'm afraid of finding out sometime later that I'm allergic to something awesome like strawberries or cats or trees.
JONATHON: I'm afraid that someday we won't be able to afford fruits or vegetables and we'll just have to eat crap like Swedish Fish all the time and get cold sores and lose our teeth.
SAMANTHA: I'm afraid that someday we won't be able to afford gas.
JONATHON: I'm afraid of getting into a car accident and... y'know... having anything bad happen from that.
SAMANTHA: I'm afraid when I'm on the balcony of our house... that I'll fall off... and I know there's that huge rail there and... it doesn't make much sense but...
JONATHON: I'm afraid of... just being alone. Sometimes I'll go a weekend without someone calling me and I'm worried that it'll become a regular thing and... oh, haha.... I really should of mentioned this earlier but I'm afraid of spiders.
(a beat.)
SAMANTHA: What now?
JONATHON: No, nothing really. I was just saying I'm afraid of spiders.
SAMANTHA: Seriously?
JONATHON: What?
SAMANTHA: How old are you? And you're the man of the household. Don't you think that's kind of childish or at least... weird?
JONATHON: Sam, we're in the twenty-first century. I'd like to think we're past the whole “Men have to the strong ones,” expectation. And have you forgotten about tarantulas? They're mother nature's ungodly bastard children! They're terrible! They're deadly! And I've already shared some worse stuff with you then that. You really care about spiders?
SAMANTHA: Oh please. We don't live in the middle of the amazon rain forest Jon. I think tarantulas should be the least of our worries.
JONATHON: Don't you dare! I've seen some messed up shit Samantha, believe you me, and tarantulas are the worst of them all.
SAMANTHA: You grew up in a wealthy suburb of Connecticut... I don't think anything about that qualifies as messed up.
JONATHON: Y'know what? Just take my word for it.
SAMANTHA: No, really. I insist. Give me one example of something messed up you've seen.
(a beat)
JONATHON (quietly): I've seen a horse give birth...
SAMANTHA: What?! First of all, that's disgusting. And second of all that doesn't qualify as fucked up! That's not violence! And how is that even possible? You grew up in a wealthy suburb...
JONATHON: No, I saw it on animal planet once. It was an accident really. I was just channel surfing one day when I was little.... and I was going through Nickelodeon... and there was Spongebob... then there was the food channel... and there was the ace of cakes... then animal planet came on and before I could process what was happening... I saw a horse giving birth. Just all of a sudden.. it was just randomly on TV! It was scarring! Really! To see that horse's head...
SAMANTHA: What the fuck are you telling me that for?
JONATHON: I'm disturbed Samantha! I'm a disturbed man! Don't you care about me?
SAMANTHA: I knew this game was a bad idea...
THERAPIST: I must insist that this is a great exercise when it comes to all things trust-related.
(SAMANTHA heads towards the door and starts to leave)
SAMANTHA: I'm done with this. And another thing Jon... I've already seen two spiders in the office and I'm not telling you where they are!
JONATHON: There's nothing funny about that! I'm not falling for that!
(SAMANTHA leaves. A beat. JONATHON gets out of his seat and chuckles nervously. He starts to check the office for spiders.)
(Curatin.)
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