Comedy Jokes

One-Liners:



The word roadrip is redundant. It's like saying eatfood.



Not a lie: I make so many to do lists that “organize to do lists,” was on my last to do list. Honest.


The word immaculate is one that should be used carefully. As in that shit while listening to smooth Jazz was... immaculate. If the word's ever used in a spelling bee it should be used that way, I swear.


There are three kind of monologues in this world: Shakespearean, David Letterman, and crazy person.



A true thing: A few weeks back I saw a massive dog on a leash in my school's library quiet, study section. Either there was a blind person around the corner from that dog that I didn't see or that dog has some kind of talent that makes it able to open doors and smooth talk the fuck out of library faculty. (“Hey baby. You just threw the dog frisbee that is my heart and that frisbees still a'spinning hon. Wanna play catch?” So anyway.)



I love going to classical music concerts with my family. I love it a lot. The places we go to are just beehives but of artsy grandpas but it's nice and my favorite.



The memory's foggy on who it happened to or who told me this but totally a true thing:
One time a friend of mine knocked on a public restroom door and all he heard back from the door was “NOOOOOOOOOO!”



I'm a hopeless romantic; the only thing I'm hoping for is to never stop being that. (Dumb one. Yeah, it's a dumb one. Yeah. No, yeah, you're right.)



Yeah, so I guess I'm a pretty good guy... ready to make some baaaaaaaad decisions.



One time I saw Inception, but I may or may not have been doing drugs at the time, and I can't explain it but I was much more focused on the pretzel I was eating during the movie than the movie.


A segment:



Portmanteaus with Jacob: They're sorta Portmanteaus. Words I made up that I also assigned a definition to too:

-Haiti Gaga – A women from the country of Haiti that goes clinically whacko.

-Gym-naids-ium – A gymnasium that's filled to the tippy top with aids.
(Tasteless? But could you have thought of it? Yeah. Yeah, actually, probably. Yeah.. Yeah.)

-In-sah-core – Songs of insecurity and hardcore rock combined.





Bits:

• Did you know that there's stuff in our brains that's there to make us feel bad? Absolutely scientifically true. There's something called Nalaxone that's an opioid antagonist that just hangs around our brain all day. It's a terrible thing. Naxalone is really just like a jerk at the party: he eats all the ranch dip (and it's the fancy kind of dip too), never says thank you, gives left-handed compliments (like “Yeah bro, your clothes look nice... for YOUR standards!” and then you make a joke back at him and he says all snooty “Your *ahem* humor escapes me.”). What I'm saying is Nalaxone is really a total assmunch.

• My school will order me any book I want and I'm not even the book-guy but it's fucking bonkers. I go into the library and they tell me “WE PROMISE TO GET YOU ANYTHING.” IT'S NUTS man!!! Even if you go into a damn Hospital they say “We'll try but...” Honest!!! Even if you go into a police station they'll say “We'll give it a shot compadre, but you might be on your uno.”

Oh. Hey. Still doing this thing but this is all I got of the last time: