8 jokes I plan on telling at an open-mic in the future, just to people in general, although I might not ever tell them ever. The actual jokes have a number next to them. The premise of the bit is between asterisks. If the premise is in bold, then it's a favorite. If the writing looks like a regular paragraph, that's the set-up of the thing. I hope you approve, just in general. Yeah:
*bit about how I'm a dog person and how great dogs are compared to other animals*
I'm a dog person. I think dogs are great animals; you can play fetch with them, they're companions, and they're adorable. And when they smile it's really cute. They're the only animal that, when they smile, I'm glad they did. Because other animals-- when they smile-- it's painful to see. Like you ever see a picture of a smiling chimpanzee, probably on the internet? It's the worst, right?! It's no fun to see. They look revolting! Nearly despicable! Fucking... monkey smiles are the worst.
1. When I'm at my Toshiba laptop and I see a chimpanzee smiling the smile starts to come off my face. It's like a see-saw of life-enjoyment.
2. It's a whole thing: as I seem them grin, I just, I get in a bad mood and, lo and behold, before I know it, I'm remembering how much I didn't like my elementary school years. It gets that bad.
3. As I see them smirk it just makes me frown a frown that's... that's... the frown is just... it's like Cuba! It's shaped in a plain downward arch, it's real huge, and it's no help to the rest of the world! It's like Cuba.
So, yeah, chimpanzee smiles are the pits, of all smiles in general. I hate them. And I love dogs.
*very, very, very, very brief bit about me*
4. I'm only 18 years old and MOST of my life is ahead of me. So I'll keep it real brief and sorta, let you in on the worst and best things that have happened to me. It'll be fun. And I'm like a newspaper: really, I'm there to get the most important stuff, like the headlines, out there and also I'm very physically fragile and... like... I'm in demand and people are interested in me... but only medium interested... as a general rule, but it's a choice more or less. Yeah. Newspaper. (self-conscious note of how this bit is self-pitying, insincere, depressing, and a lil' gross... my b.)
*bit about cinnamon granola bars*
5. So the worst thing I've experienced is granola bars, but really specifically cinnamon granola bars. Get this, alright? I like cinnamon. Is there a better thing than cinnamon churros? I mean I don't know about a better thing than cinnamon churros. If you think there is, you're a liar or dumb.
6. I also am a big fan of cinnamon toast crunch cereal. But cinnamon is a flavor that is far, far too pungent for the granola bar format. It's a disgusting, mistake... much like your birth... nah, joking, joking. That wasn't even that smart and I might be going to hell for that one, but, who knows, maybe in hell you get your own little place to live in and if I have my own little place to live in maybe I can put posters of people I like all around it, like Johnny Cash and The Simpsons, and that wouldn't be so rough. Anyway.
*the bathroom heater bit*
In the bathroom of the apartment my mother rents, there's a small cerulean blue rug. And its very, very soft. And very very close to a powerful heater attached to the wall. And its so, so warm and so, so soft that honest to G-d when I step on it this all-heated-up rug it feels like I just stepped onto beach sand. Often, I just have to walk ten feet from my bedroom to the bathroom and step on this rug and its just like a phenomenal, soothing mountain of warm beach sand around all ten toes. Its like being at the beach and in your apartment all at one time.
7. Also, I feel like I'm expected to feel the most level-headed, as a Jew from a big Jewish family with a brother that wants to be a Rabbi, after going to a shabbat service I'm expected to be more reflective and at peace with everything, but the moment I feel truly at ease with everything is when I hop on that rug in front of the bathroom sink and I'm washing my hands, uh, probably after taking a big dump. But really, it's pretty great! Just... take my word for it!
At the moment? That rug? That's my favorite thing. It's special in a way that's extra valuable.
.
*bit about brain chemicals*
8.. Did you know that there's stuff in our brains that's there to make us feel bad? Absolutely scientifically true. There's something called Nalaxone that's an opioid antagonist that just straight-up chills around our brain all day. It's a terrible thing. Naxalone is really just like a jerk at the party: he eats all the ranch dip (and it's the fancy kind of dip too), never says thank you, gives left-handed compliments (like “Yeah bro, your clothes look nice... for YOUR standards!” and then you make a joke back at him and he says all snooty “Your *ahem* humor escapes me.”). What I'm saying is Nalaxone is really a total assmunch.
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