NEW SH*T

I will be doing stand-up again very soon and will upload a long video of me doing that. I am excited about it. It will be up sooner than later, likely at the end of the month or the beginning of next month. I am excited about the new stuff that will be in that video as well as some of the off-the-cuff talking to the crowd that ought to be quite good in it.

Here are some jokes (none of which will be in the act but you can enjoy them here, in case you were curious and stuff like that):

• Someday I'm going to have my own stair company. My company's motto? Stairs: taking you to a whole 'nother level.

• Did you know the phrase “Hey! Suck my dick, pal!” rhymes with “Hey! Fix the sink, Sal!” I just find it to be a fascinating thing because what they have in common is that they're both demands... but they are very, very different demands.

• There is a pet store downtown that I run into a lot called “Dogs & Puppies.” But the cages they put those animals in are like milk crates and frankly I think that store ought to be called what it is: “Abuse & Cruelty.” Even in the context of sad sentences like that last the Ampersand is still one cute-ass little symbol, though. Gotta love “&'s.”

• That pet store is the saddest thing I've experienced and I've been hugged sarcastically. Just saying. Both of those things are pretty sad.

• 32 D is a good bra size but a terrible apartment number. Getting to the laundry room in the basement from the 32^nd floor would be a big jar of lame-sauce.

• Sometimes I like to talk down to plants. Sort of. Sort of by accident. This one time. One time I was walking and something long like an arm hit me and I was in a bad mood so I shouted “Hey! Watch it! Use your brain!” But then I realized what hit me wasn't a person and I had just shouted that at a tree. You know you're not in a good place when you're picking fights with shrubbery.

• I found beating my video game “Rayman: DS to be challenging. It would have all been simple but unfortunately I had to save my good friend Globglox from Admiral Razorbeard who had this machine that -- according to the Razorbeard-- could do “everything short of your laundry.” Real life is a tad less stressful. In real life I mostly just sleep and watch Hulu. And in real life my friend Globglox is doing just fine.

• I'm mostly a fortunate person, but I'm not a rich person. Rich people have a lot of collections of stuff. I don't have lots of collections of stuff. I do have a sweet DVD collection I'm proud of. though. Plus, my DVD collection has the three best qualities I can ask of anything: high-quality, high-quantity, and The Office Season Six. (And we all know how good an adjective The Office Season Six is.)

• I went to a really nice play with my Grandmother and outside of the theater we saw it at there was a street performer just playing scales. And we were outside for about ten minutes and the guy was playing nothing but scales. You believe that shit? We pedestrians all deserve better. That's bullshit. Hearing a street performer play scales for the whole time you see him is like having a hooker sit next to you and merely say “You ready?” for the entire hour you hired her.
• It'd be like if a firefighter just stood in front of a burning building shouting “We're on our way! You're safe!” until the building was just ash.
• It'd be like listening to the President clear his throat for the entire hour of his State of the Union Address.

Here is a sketch. It is heavily influenced by everything done in the sketch show “Mr. Show” (which I absolutely love) (and not the content, but definitely the vibe):

A Man with Very Bad OCD Washes His Hands

(MAN walks into his bathroom and begins washing his hands in the sink.)

MAN: One... two...three...four...five...six...seven...eight...nine!...

(MAN, now finished, walks towards the towel rack and begins to dry off his hands)

MAN: One...two...three...four...five...six...seven...eight...nine!...

(MAN, satisfied, walks towards the door to leave bathroom when something catches his eye.)

MAN: Gasp!

(Camera zooms in to reveal what MAN has seen: a pile of nine boxes of soap neatly stacked on top of one another like a pyramid on a plain, wooden stand with a neat sign above it labeled “Soap Collection.” Though strange, everything is seemingly fine with the sight.)

MAN: This won't do!

(MAN moves towards the sign labeled “Soap Collection,” and adjusts it about five degrees until it is straightened out.)

MAN: Ah! Much better!

(MAN walks out of the bathroom)

Here is another sketch:

You can basically see the premise of it while skipping the title. Do what you want. It is also very influenced by “Mr. Show.” :

Overly-Scared/Defensive Man Wants Airplane Seat Next to the Escape Slide of the Plane but the Seat on the Ticket He Has Bought Is Not Even Close to That Part of the Plane. A Woman Confronts This Man About Taking Her Seat (again, the seat near the escape slide) and the Man Plays Dumb:

(A WOMAN approaches a MAN on … just a general, run-of-the-mill, normal, non-descriptor flight)

WOMAN: Excuse me sir, I think you have my seat.

MAN: Let me check my ticket.

(MAN quickly looks down at the ticket pressed against his thigh).

MAN: Nope. This seat has my name all over it.

WOMAN: No, that's not possible. My ticket says this is my seat.

MAN: Well... okay...

(MAN sighs deeply.)

MAN: Okay, ya know what? You caught me in a good mood today. I'm feeling lucky. I'll check again.

(MAN checks again even more quickly than before)

MAN: Well, your ticket is wrong.

WOMAN: Excuse me?

MAN: Your ticket is wrong. You're wrong.

WOMAN: I don't see how that could be the case.

MAN: Ma'am I have twenty twenty vision. Who do you think is right here and who do you think is not so right?

WOMAN: Sir, the last time I was in Miami I had a rough time. I hate Jet Blue and I've always hated Jet Blue. This is the last place I want to be. The least you could do for me is give me the seat that's rightfully mine.

MAN: Pardon me?

WOMAN: Get out. Please.

MAN: I'm not going to give you my seat. I've had a rough day. You don't even know.

WOMAN: Sir...

MAN: One of my shoes went missing this morning and it took me twenty minutes to find that shit. This is all while I'm trying to quit cigarettes and coffee too. Cigarettes and coffee! Good G-d, lady, can you imagine the physical and emotional pain I'm going through? This shit is how Ray Charles must have felt when he was going through all that detox he did... irritable and unable to find his shoes...

WOMAN: Boo-hoo. Sir, I'm going to get the flight attendants.

MAN: Good luck with that seeing that you're wrong!

WOMAN: Sir, I don't have time for...

MAN: Wrong-o! You are wrong! You're making a drastic mistake, ma'am. I'll have you know I'm a lawyer.

WOMAN: I'm going now...

MAN: Fine! Why not?! Good luck with that because...

(MAN grouchily murmurs something under his breath.)

WOMAN: Excuse me? What did you just say? What did you just say?

MAN: Well, I'm just saying it won't be easy for you to make it through the isle with the level of... girth that you're maintaining.

WOMAN: Sir, I'll have this flight canceled if I have t., I'm getting that seat and both a hand-written and oral apology if it kills me.

MAN: 'Cause you got a booty like two volleyballs, you want me to apologize?

WOMAN: Sir, that does it.

MAN: Whatever, big booty Judy.

(The WOMAN walks to the flight attendants. The MAN looks on bemused.)

MAN: I'll make sure something happens that involves oral apologies... minus the apology.

(Two flight attendants walk towards the man with the WOMAN by their side.)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1: Sir?

MAN: Yes?

(FLIGHT ATTENDANT #1 pulls out a shotgun and fires it at the face of the man. An incredibly loud echo fills the plane and gunpowder lies in the isle. In place of the man there is a large sized McDonalds french fries container.)

WOMAN: It sure is a good thing that it's the year 2050 and this is how we deal with people that are impolite or selfish or exceedingly petty on airplanes to a disgruntling degree!

(The WOMAN begins to eat the french fries. The WOMAN and the two flight attendants high-five each other).