NEW SH*T

I have some jokes and a sketch here. There are plenty of more things that I've written that I'm waiting to use for stand-up, as an fyi. There's not anything substantial enough to make into stand-up per se, but I hope and think you will enjoy reading this.



Here are some thoughts I've had recently:

• If you've ever used the expression “oodles and oodles of friends,” I'm sad to say, you probably haven't had many.
  
  
• You know how they'll always have an example credit card or ID card in DMV's and banks? Well I recently saw one with the name on it “Carrie A. Card.” Man, that's a shame. 
  
  
• Ya know why it's a shame? It's a shame because I know Carrie and I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate her name being posted all over the place. She likes her “me-space.”
  
  
• Plus, that's not even her last name anymore. After all, she recently got married to “Faith B. HardToHaveAtTheDMV.”
  
  
• My brother Louis is my favorite. My favorite thing about him used to be his considerate nature but recently I remembered how he's also a giving person and sheesh... there's some healthy competition for favorite thing, there... ya know, I'll probably be battling this one out til' the grave.

You know “lawyer jokes?” Well, I think they're a lot of fun. But they're very easy to get wrong, ya know? Like, don't you think that some “lawyer jokes,” are too mean? They could even be thought of as offensive. Plus, if you were to change the occupation in “lawyer jokes,” you could see how quickly they get morally bankrupt. Below I have done just that to show how cruel this genre of joke is:

• What do you call a bus full of lawyers surgeons falling off a cliff? A good start.
• Why won't sharks attack lawyers surgeons? Professional courtesy.
• What's the definition of a lawyer surgeon? A mouth with a life support.

Ya see? Just awful.

Oh, by the way. Sadly, this calls for a source: http://www.lotsofjokes.com/lawyer_jokes_2.asp

The three paragraphs below take a little bit to read but I feel like there is a pay-off at the end.

• I wish there were a machine that existed that you could use to alter a memory. I don't need a machine that would change a memory, I'm not crazy. I just want a memory to be made a little different. Plus, I'm sensitive to the point where you become-- for whatever reason-- very obsessive about a number of these very specific events that happened to you on a weekly basis. Like, some stuff other people might be able to shrug off in a day or two. Or they find it mundane.

Like not long ago-- on St. Patrick's day-- while walking downtown to get a haircut I saw this very attractive couple arguing on the sidewalk in front of a pub. This guy was pushing his big torso towards this girl and this girl was saying “Don't talk to me that way!” and the guy shouted back at her “Don't talk to you what way?!” And that's mostly all I caught-- and it wasn't all that loud, it was just in the corner of my eye, and no one else seemed to notice it at all or care-- but it left an impact on me (I'm not saying it's huge and I think about it all day long, but it is there) because you could tell that there was a lot of built-up rage in their tone of voice. Plus, they were covered in the most cheery-looking, celebratory St. Patrick's Day shit.

Anyway, ten days later that arguing is still floating around my mind. Now I don't need that memory to be completely erased from my mind. I wouldn't mind if it were still there and the guy was still yelling, and still yelling a question, but I would prefer it if they were yelling something more pleasing to the ear. Ya know? Like maybe instead the guy could be shouting “DID YOU KNOW TOM GOT A NEW SUNROOF FOR HIS MAZDA?!” or “I LOST MY COPY OF 'NATIVE SON,' AND HAVE YOU SEEN IT?” or “VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING UP AND I DON'T KNOW WHO IT'S APPROPRIATE TO GIVE A CARD TO AND WHO IT ISN'T; WILL YOU ME?” because-- frankly-- I would be fine with all of those. Maybe it's just another one of my uniquely-me quirks, but I prefer appetizing questions to verbal abuse.

Here is a sketch:

Man is Fired From a Fire Service and Shortly After Decides All Firefighters Are No Good Whatsoever and Begins to Protest Them and Brings a Timid Friend Along to Help

(A run-of-the-mill man stands in front of fire house with a picket sign reading “You say I'm fired? I say you're bad at putting out fires!” He has brought a meek, glum-looking friend holding a picket sign reading “Fire Hydrant of Injustice!” A disgruntled-looking firefighter exits the firehouse and approaches the two men)

MAN: (in protest sing-song) F!... I!... R! E! D! IT DOES NOT MEAN MUCH TO ME! F! I! R! E! D! YOU MESSED UP AND YOU WILL SEE! F! I! R! E! D!' IT DOES NOT MEAN MUCH TO ME!

FRIEND: Tom, I get you're upset you lost the job. The economy's been tough on all of us. But is it really necessary to protest all the firefighters in town? They work so hard. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing that there are men as selfless as these guys.

MAN: Damn, straight I have to protest them all! After all, you know what they say... if you can't beat them... uh... if you can't... uh... beat them... j-... Well, protest them! F! I! R! E! D!

FRIEND: Aw, c'mon man.

(The firefighter that has left the firehouse finally reaches the two men)

FIREFIGHTER: Gentleman, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises immediately.

MAN: You again! You have the nerve to ask me to leave! Again! Or what?!

FIREFIGHTER: Or I'll physically remove you myself. Or probably get the police to help. Also, I think I could get in touch with the army if it was really necessary.

MAN: Oh.

(a beat.)

MAN: Okay.

(The man and his friend leave with they're picket signs dragging against the ground.)

FRIEND: Sorry!

MAN: Damn it, man, don't apologize!

FRIEND: Oh... oh...sorry...

(They walk away looking at their feet)