NEW SH*T

Here are some jokes:

• I would never take my balls out of my pants in a courtroom. There is a place and a time for that. In a ballroom. At balls o'clock.

• My favorite week-long holiday is Hanukah but Eating Disorder Awareness Week is a close second. (Yeah that joke could be considered medium “in-bad-taste.” I forgive me.)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• This is 100%, absolutely true: I was recently in the Ritz Carlton. That's right. Me. At the nicest chain of hotels in America. 100% serious. Although... to fess up the truth to you... I wasn't staying at the hotel, I was just in the lobby...just in the lobby. It's still true though.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• I saw a store in a mall recently called “Diamond Hut.” What a crappy name for such a nice thing. I wonder if there are any crappy stores with a really nice name: I know in my heart there's got to be a “Discount Cigarettes & Liquor Palace,” somewhere.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• I like to stand around druggies and in casual conversation use the phrase “Okay...blunt time...,” and then watch them wonder if I'm talking about drugs or am just about to be not-subtle-at-all.

• I've learned somewhat recently that the first "perfect American," idea started in the 1820s. The perfect American man was a man who started with nothing and got rich, but never forgot his origins. That was the ideal thing you could be. Famously, President Andrew Jackson was this. So this all sounds cool to me and I want to be this, basically. I can't wait until I get rich and never forget my origins. Now in the meantime I just have to make sure I get more nothing and I'm all set. (This joke is way too ambitious. You can't combine American trivia and gut-bustingly-good comedy that easy, is what I'm trying to say here.)
  
  

Here is different stuff. It's thoughts and jokes with the theme of “Media and Computers.” Here:

Before I get into that, I want to share a quote that goes:

“Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out.”

- Thomas Cardinal Wolsey

-I once saw an advertisement online that read “9 ugly mistakes women make that ruins any chances of a relationship.” The good thing about that ad is it wins the “Bleakest Waste of My Time and Space on the Computer Award.”

-I saw a girl in a cellulite solution commercial that's so hot I just want to build a shrine for her. (Too weird? Too weird? Probably too weird. Too weird. Way too weird. Way too weird. Inexcusably weird. Sorry.)

-My computer spell check insists it's not "pitter-pattering" of rain, but instead "putter-pattering!" It's a good thing that my computer can't respond to my grumbles of “idiot,” because I take my computer's constant lack of reply to me as a hugely respectful choice to be quiet.

-Everything has a computer screen on it and it's crazy. My printer has a computer screen on it. Jesus, I got a printer so I can print so I can map quest my way to Olive Garden, not play a game of G-ddamn pong.

-Whenever I watch shows on CBS websites I see a promotional slogan to get attention the their new green plan called “Lights, camera, recycle!” Well I say “Lights, Camera, Get Away From Me I'm Trying To Watch Letterman.”

-This is a true thing: I was watching Hulu when an advertisement came up from Hulu.com and the advertisement said, “Perhaps you'd be interested of a clip from this show,” and I read the title of the clip and the title of the clips was "NBC News: The Murderer Don Von Sleet's Trial Begins," and I'm not sure if that's the kind of entertainment that really calls for advertising.