- I want to open a brothel but make sure it's a special one that looks classy. In fact, I'm going to design it after London's own famous Buckingham Palace. The name of the brothel? Fuckingham Palace.
- I think floppy disks have become things so old and antiquated that I just feel like floppy disks are the new spittoons. Also, if you felt like it you could totally use a floppy disk as a spittoon. I'm not saying it would be effective; but I am saying if you're into spit-covered old things you're going to be one happy camper.
- I like cotton candy and even as far as desserts go I like cotton candy by a lot, but eating it can be kind of dangerous. Not just in the sense that it's so much sugar in your body in once (and hey! warning, sister; too much of this will go right to your buns, so if you're eating a lot you better get on the girth control, honey) (*that last part should have been read all deadpan-like*) but the stick that the cotton candy comes on top of is super sharp and pointy. To be frank I try to actively, consciously avoid that point on the stick as much as possible but I get concerned about it. I mean, hey I enjoy cotton candy like everybody else but that point on the stick... imagine what could happen! To me! I don't want to end up with that stick poking me all deep in my eyeball and stuff like that, if I'm not careful. I mean, real talk, maybe you can handle it but I just don't know about me, man: I ain't Caligula.
- You might not know this, but shark fin soup is – first of all – in fact, a food. It's a delicacy. A lot of the time businessmen eat it. Also, it doesn't taste like anything at all (anything at all; it tastes like literally nothing at all!) and is incredibly expensive. Some people just eat it as a status thing, but it's actually incredibly harmful to the ocean in the sense that it leads to a lot of a harmless kind of shark getting slaughtered senselessly. So basically, just because some business executives want to have a soup available that only they can afford lots of animals are murdered. Basically, what I'm saying is if you're a good person, steer clear of it... but hey, if you're some kind of asshole that's into that sort of thing... dig in... bon appetite... jerkwad...
I wrote a sketch. You need some background info for it to make sense (it's pretty grim, so if you want to skip it you can go ahead and skip it; if not it's there for you) but anyway here is the stuff/background info below and it is all true:
The General Social Survey found that between 1985 and 2004, the number of people the average American discusses important matters with decreased from three to two. Additionally, the rate of Americans with no one to discuss important matters with tripled. (source)
There are several estimates and indicators of loneliness. It has been estimated that approximately 60 million people in the United States, or 20% of the total population, feel lonely. Another study found that 12% of Americans have no one with whom to spend free time or to discuss important matters. Other research suggests that this rate has been increasing over time.(source)
Chronic loneliness is a serious, life-threatening condition. At least one study has empirically correlated it with an increased risk of cancer, especially for those who hide their loneliness from the outside world, and it is also associated with increased risk of stroke and cardiovascular disease. (source)
So with that knowledge, here's the hilarious, hilarious sketch (no, but honestly it's supposed to be funny, and hopefully is really funny):
America in the Year 2050
NARRATOR: It is the year 2050, and just as the number of people the average American discusses important matters with decreased from three to two between 1985 and 2004, between the years 2004 and 2050 the number of people the average American discusses important matters with has decreased from two to ¾ of a person. So now, here-- in the year 2050-- this is what the average American looks like while opening up to a friend:
(Camera is focused tightly on friend #1's tight, focused, and distressed face as he speaks)
Friend #1: I just feel like... I just really love this girl, you know? I know that I want to move in with her... but then, if I say “I want to move in with you,” and she doesn't feel the same-- and she thinks I'm moving everything too quickly-- it could ruin the entire relationship, ya know? It's just tough, ya know?
(Camera moves back to reveal friend #2 next to him, who is ¾ of a human being and looks normal from the neck down but simply does not have a head. Friend #2-- clearly, not capable of speech-- just shrugs)
Friend #1: (sincerely and sounding moved) Thanks. Thanks for listening and being there for me, man. But I just feel like I'm ready, ya know? I know that I'm ready. But my biggest fear is that she's not ready. I mean she isn't even ready to get intimate with me yet... I mean sure we'll talk about it, but... nothing's happened... what if I'm misreading all the signs she's giving me? I mean, do you know how many years we've spent together, man?
(Friend #2, again unable to speak, holds out his left hand with two fingers extended)
Friend #1: Exactly! Two years! Man, if there's one guy that knows me, it's you.
(Friend #2 shrugs and throws his hands back and then forward quickly as if to say “It's nothing!”)
Friend #1: You know what? Enough is enough. I'm just going to go for it? I mean, what do you say? I should just... go for it... right?
(Friend #2 puts out his left hand with his thumb erect)
Friend#1: I couldn't have said it better myself! Thanks man!
(The two friends high-five and then go their separate ways)
I am not a person with a Tumblr account but I would like to post this somewhere because I am addicted to this song and video (pretty fascinated with this song) and am excited for the guy's next album. Rock and roll, man.
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