Stuff from characters:
“I don't like gay porno DVD's , I
just get em' for the behind the scenes!” -A joke from
someone that's socially not fine-tuned.
“I'm not a child. No longer does my
wee-wee cause me shame.” -A very dramatic four year old that's just
been potty trained.
Jokes:
- You ever look back on you life and
think “Yuck, what a dummy”? Like the other day I remembered in
4th grade I got a girl hamster and I named it Peanut. I
know hamster's don't have the intelligence to say they don't like
their name but, like... I just have a feeling that if it could talk
at the time it would say something like “Seriously, dude? We doin'
this? 'Peanut'? I'm a Macy if there's ever been one.”
- Sometimes I really let my fantasies run
wild and recently I did and decided when I get enough money I'm gonna
get one of those fancy refrigerators with the two doors and an ice
maker. That's my Cadillac, ya know? Like, my version of
the Cadillac. The Cadillac for me.
- Let me tell ya, my least favorite thing
is a tie between when I have the hiccups, when my tonsils get real
big, and when I run out of milk. Also, crying. Just not a fan; don't
do it very often.
- Sometimes I just want to take risks and
feel sexy. That's why today I suppressed some shyness and jumped
through my apartment complex's sprinklers. I bet maintenance at my
complex wouldn't like that, but ya know what? That's just who I am.
(Man, I don't know about you but I find this riff only medium good.
Like, it's a true thing-- the content of it, that is-- but I still
find it medium good, ya know?)
- I like all kinds of jokes and from all
kinds of personas, ya know? I like the likeable dummy, likeable
incorrect thinker, the snob, the oddball, the mind blowing truth
teller, the loud mouth, and the joke crafter. Mostly, though, I like
jokes that are about puns about golf courses and sex. (Yah. You heard
me. My wit's strong like a volunteer firefighter).
- I don't live very far from a world
famous pizzeria called Pepe's Pizza. It's my favorite pizza by far,
man! The only way it could be more authentic Italian is if all the
waiters screamed “Spicy meatball!” whenever they saw you go in
the restaurant.
- Believe it or not I like the
way my hair is. Like, the scariest prognosis for me would be a doctor
telling me I'm going to get chronic “old lady hair.” Like, ya
know what I mean? Where old ladies have hair like cotton candy? It
just wouldn't look good for me. That's all I'm saying.
- I'm explicitly,
exceptionally enamored with fudge covered pretzels. (Yeah, not so
much funny as strange, I dunno.)
- When I was a little kid I
would love those Nestle Wonderballs snacks. Believe me when I say I
had those balls in my mouth and down my throat for years.
- I've been seeing a lot of
roadkill lately. (Not even a joke. Just an observation, man.)
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