NEW SH*T

I wrote a memoir you can find below. All of it is true. It's the first memoir I've written in quite a while. It's not grammatically correct but at the very least you can hear what I really sound like when I'm talking and I feel like there's merit to that. I'm trying to create a timeline of my life (and just a timeline of quintessential kid that was born in the 90s, really, ya know? Because those 90's, man. Those were great.) and this is what that's from. I will have a lot of stand-up finished really, really soon. I've been writing material like a mad man. Look forward to it, please. Plus, don't forget reading after it to see some stuff my friend Mike and I worked on together. It's the first time we did with writing down comedy. Very excited about it. He's a very funny man.

Me As a Six-Year Old

      The 1^st Grade put on plays and half the grade did The Magic School Bus (obviously a little kid play adaptation) and half the grade did some random, arbitrarily chosen play about the Amazon rainforest. I wanted to be in the Magic School Bus play but I was forced into the Amazon rainforest one. I only had one line in it because all the kids only had one line in it and I remember getting in a lot of trouble for completely forgetting it and furthermore losing my spot in the play because I was too busy playing rock-papers-scissors with my friend Tyler (worst of all my friend Tyler kept on winning at it. Normally playing rock-papers-scissors it goes fifty-fifty in terms of winning, but Jesus...Tyler was on fire that day.) My teacher at the time was Mrs. Tebbets. If I remember right one time I was sent to my desk for talking out of turn, not cleaning up my tinker toys after play time, and I remember while at my desk I attempted to karate chop the pencil in front of me but instead what wound up happening was the force from my hand projected the pencil off my desk and up and finally against my teacher's head; the grossest part was that it hit my teacher at the very top of their head, right at the teacher's bald spot which was the weirdest because my teacher was a “Mrs.”

      I got in a lot of trouble in my life in general because one day at recess one of the older kids came up to me-- as I was the nearest kid my age-- and told me that if I held up just my middle finger to everyone around me that it would make everyone around me happier. Boy, were they wrong! It just got people worried.

      I quickly fell in love with the nearby seven eleven (obviously in San Diego, California) and fell in love with beef jerky, slurpees, and the smell of those skinny refrigerators they kept their soda in, in there. There was a soda machine in the back of the apartment complex that I lived in that my friend Danny and I would go to all the time. We hung out nearly all day long, Danny and I. We had tons and tons and tons of phone conversations but I don't think we really had an understanding of the rhythm of phone conversations so I'm pretty sure we spent a lot of time talking over each other.

I remember having a lot of phone conversations with my Dad who lived in New York all my life (as opposed to me) and he would always repeat how glad he was to be talking to me and do impressions of Yoda and Darth Vader for me and sing me songs over the phone nearly always incorporating harmonica and Guitar. He definitely sang a song with lyrics involving running from the devil but it wasn't that awful song by Van Halen. I thank goodness for that. Talking to that guy was the best.

      I remember having a lot of Filipino neighbors and Louis having a lot of friends very early on and me? Medium. I remember having all kinds of foreign neighbors and it was very exciting and while I'm not sure I was the most wild about people my age the most from day one,I talked to nearly all of my neighbors and I was really, sincerely, deeply excited about people (more than any other time in my life) and I would hang out with all sorts of people and lots and lots of them all around the complex. It didn't matter what their age was. I went over to the apartment of a set of young parents with a newborn child because I remember for some reason they always had gummy fruit snacks around and always gave me them when I visited. I visited them a lot of times. I don't know if my Mom knew about it at all. Or any of the stuff I did. But man, I got a very not-medium amount of fruit snacks there. It was excessive. In retrospect, that poor, poor couple (with me taking all their food and what not). They probably didn't even know what to do with me; because I was at their doorstep more than was healthy for the either of us. I also had a Pakistani baby sitter that would make me rice covered with and stirred up with ketchup and it was fucking awesome.

      I remember playing Tekken non-stop at another one of my neighbor's house. I loved playing as the Panda. I loved playing computer games too. I was really into video games at the time and that was to a fault. Some were way too violent, though, actually. Like Tekken. More blood in that then a slasher movie on blood-roids (word I made up.) I remember playing a hockey game that frankly put me in a state of ecstasy but eventually we had to get a new computer or something and I lost access to that game. I remember, later though, I got this computer game Trespasser that was a video game sequel of Jurassic Park and it was stunningly violent and I just picked it out of a bargain bin at staple and my mom got it for me (she was a great mom, just very busy; she worked by giving private music lessons on violin, piano, and cello out of our apartment and was a substitute teacher-- if I remember right too). In that game Trespasser there was a great deal of poor frame rate and lag, so that normally as I was playing it would be both terrifying and thrilling, but it was even more so because it was all happening in slow motion. Your goal was to shoot these dinosaurs that were 70 times yours size that charged at you from all around a giant, densely forested island before they ate your body to death. I remember the character you played as was a well-endowed girl and I remember to look at your health you would bring the camera as far down as possible so that the camera would be focused on your avatar's tits and you would look at a small tattoo on the corner of the left one that showed how much health you had; the color of the heart tattoo was correlated with your amount of health. Man, considering I was a six year old boy I spent one impressive number of hours just sitting there staring at my giant tits.

      I remember there was a grocery store called Ralph's that I loved but one time I absent-mindedly, accidentally ran into a lady walking around there holding a coffee and I think I knocked into the lady thereby causing the lady to spill coffee on herself and if I remember right the lady wanted to sue me and my family or at the very least gave my mom a stern talking to.

      I loved everything about living in La Jolla and San Diego. I ate this place called “The Soup Plantation,” that was an all you can eat buffet and it was delicious and I would eat a ton but the thing was I would only eat bread or damn-near only bread. At restaurants where I could get tacos and pizzas and all sorts of great stuff I remember having trouble with menus and stuff like that and my family helped out a lot. Nothing makes you feel like more of a rock star, though, as when you first start reading menus in restaurants. I got the hang of it pretty quickly too. Believe me, before I knew it I was just the Arnold Schwarzenegger or ordering lunch. Going out to eat with Lou and Mom was awesome and all of the photos we have prove that because we smile so big and genuinely and there were always both a lot of sun and a series of gorgeous boats and yachts in the background; I remember one photo had my mom in this cool leather coat and my brother with his goofy, and round but extremely loveable glasses and his goofy, but round and extremely loveable expression. I looked so happy. I was so happy. I wore all kinds of huge, silly, hats like this one hugely oversized rainbow ascot and I loved all kinds of costumes like this one where I was the lion from the Wizard of Oz. I don't even think that when I was doing wearing that shit, that it was even Halloween. I wore costumes like it was my job to be a costumer-wearer. I went to a synagogue that I also got in a ton of trouble at (and there would be a huge pattern of this for the rest of my life, as far as Sunday School is concerned) that I would later-- multiple years later-- look at, see again, process, and then call “Like visiting a reverse Pee-Wee's Playhouse; see, instead of everything seeming super big everything seemed super small.”





Here's a bit my friend Mike and I collaborated on! Mostly him, even. Love this stuff:





You guys ever notice how some old saying just don't make any sense? They just stay around long enough that people get used to them and don't question how dumb they are. My personal favorite is the saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too." That saying is just straight funneled bullshit. Have you ever seen someone buying a piece of cake and just staring at the damn thing. just like "Aw fuck. I have the cake but now how am i supposed to eat it...?" The phrase just makes no sense. For what the phrase wants to get across I have a better alternative: "You cannot have your cake... and fuck it too."Just hear me out. Okay, if you eat the cake.. right?.. you cannot fuck it. But if you fuck the cake, well... lets just say you would be a sick piece of shit to actually eat the damn thing...





 You know how people in conversations, will just use the shit out of things like" Lol," "Lmao," and "Lmfao," when in reality they just sit there completely straight-faced? Well, what would it be like if people actually did that? If people, actually, literally fell to their asses laughing on a regular basis there would be serious medical issues; ya know, if people had to actually laugh their asses off and roll down the stairs laugh every time they said they did, things would be crazy. Because in addition to the emergency room there would have to be the abbreviation room. It'd be the most gruesome fucking room of all.