NEW SH*T

I've been writing daily. Here is most of that at the moment:

Jokes:

• Man, when it comes to prejudice against people that like boys and like girls at the same time and words you can use against them I say let's let bi-gones be bygones.

• I remember the first time I started seeing people PDA'ing I got really surprised at the site of it. I remember my thought of it was “WHOA!” like I had just seen a bank robbery... or someone swinging from a trapeze. I'll never forget that.

• You should only buy popular brands of iPod speakers. I actually wound up owning a pair of iPod speakers that were a third party brand and the screen on it cracked and started to leak what I call speaker juice but a less impressive man might call stereo pus. I stand by what I've said: I am impressive and third party speakers suck.

I wrote a bunch of sketches (ya know-- like-- a series of them) on people with silly names. They have the absurdist wit of a Monty Python creator and the racist exuberance of a young Archie Bunker. Also, it's a little Abbot and Costello of me, if I do say so my(impressive)self:

Woman in a Job Interview

Interviewer: So, Debbie, I understand you attended Brown University, volunteered at your local soup kitchen from elementary school on, went to Catholic church every Sunday, are a member of LGBT, and helped out at the mosque across town.

Woman: That's me! Hehe.

Interviewer: Debbie, I'll have you know in the brief time we've gotten to know each other I've come to see that you're a a real go-getter.

Woman: Ha! Well, afterall, “go-getter,” is practically my middle name. Not to exaggerate, ho ho ho.

Interviewer: Debbie, you seem like a person that embraces all parts of life, even honesty. Which is why I'm sure you'll appreciate the kind of honesty I'm about to engage in.

Woman: Of course. I'm all ears.

Interviewer: Well... it's simply stunning that your name is actually, legally Debbie Downers when you're such a cheery, open-minded, cherry blossom of a person.

Woman: Yeah, I get that a lot. The Downers family has never been great with baby name choices. My father's name is “extreme-tolerance,” and his middle name is “of.”

Interviewer: Well, that's odd.

Woman: You're telling me! The great irony is he had a drug phase in his life and during that lengthy chapter he was actually hooked on meth.

Interviewer: I'll say! The irony is nearly palpable.

Woman: Yes. Furthermore, I started the happiness club at my college. Our activities included sprucing up the campus, complimenting passerbys, patting each other on the back,and best of all we would all sit around and gleefully ignore drugs. We partied, and quite often, but it was always delightful, lovely, and free of the risk of harm.

Interviewer: “Gleefully ignoring drugs,” eh? I'll tell you what that doesn't sound like: your father.

Woman: Ha! Ha ha ha! While most people might be offended the crassness of that statement, I enjoy laughter and merely appreciate the effort of you taking a risk and cracking a joke! Ha! Ha ha ha!

Interviewer: Great! Well, you're untamable joy makes it easy for me to give you this news, then. We can't hire you right now. The interviewee before you was so good and has credentials so precisely fitting of this job that there's no way we could hire you.

Woman: Oh. Is that so? That's a bit shocking.

Interviewer: Yes! Why don't you go tell your father... if he's not too busy using drugs!

Woman: Oh... oh dear... this is the first time something seriously negative has happened in my life...

Interviewee: “Something seriously negative,” eh? Something as negative as your Catholic church's view of you after finding out you're a LGBT supporter?

Woman: Ya know what? Maybe this is where I have to draw the line ma'am... it's bad enough I didn't get the job...

Interviewee: Debbie, face the facts! As of now, you're just another delusional schlub who will have to continue her overly-optimistic job search in a tattered economy wherever her fiery mass of career-desperation leads her. Ha!

Woman: You know, I'd really prefer it if you could just not...

Interviewee: “Prefer it!” Speaking of preferring, I bet the Catholic church would prefer it if you weren't such a gay-loving schlub, Debbie.

Woman: You know what?... you can shut your mouth and suck an exhaust pipe. Bitch.

Man in a Job Interview

Interviewer: So, let's get this straight. Your middle name is Harry, correct?

Man: That's right.

Interviewer: And your first name is... Suk-Mai? Is that right? Suk-Mai?

Man: Yes. Exactly right.

Interviewer: So, I'm pronouncing that right, Mr. Schlong, right? Your first name is, in fact, pronounced“Suk-Mai?”

Man: Yes. You couldn't pronounce it better.

Interviewer: Well, your credentials certainly check out Mr. Schlong. You're fresh out of Yale, you were President of the chess club, and you were valedictorian of your high school. Still, I'm afraid I can't hire you.

Man: Oh, is that so? And why is that?

Interviewer: Because having someone work in this office with a name like yours would be tough as an erect cock.

Man Seeing a Therapist

Therapist: So, Buster. What brings you here today? You sounded quite flustered in your phone call.

Man: Flustered is an understatement. The way I've been feeling lately... it's like I've been struck by emotional lightning. I mean... after this realization and all...

Therapist: Ah. You did mention that in the voice mail. Just know that I'm ready to listen when you're ready to speak.

Man: Well, I'd like to get it all out of the way at once... like the way I would jump into a swimming pool. Okay... the truth is... I... I want to hurt my family.

Therapist: Goodness! Is that right? I suppose you haven't been the first person to say that... but goodness.. what's your family done to merit such a feeling?

Man: Family? No. Siblings nor parents have anything to do with it. I want to hurt “Mai Famelee.” He's a notorious Thai assassin, famous for slaughtering everyone he can get his hands on in my hometown.

Therapist: Ah, I understand. But Buster, there are plenty of assassins out there... what makes you want to hurt “Mai Famelee,” of all of them?

Man: “Mai Famelee,” assassinated all of my family.

Therapist: Oh. Well, that all stands to reason.