NEW SH*T

By the way, folks... we're getting near my 50th post on this blog. Seeing that I tried quite a bit on each one, I am excited about it. There aren't that many jokes below as an fyi, although it might appear that way because of the slightly-larger-sized text.

Jokes:

My friend Mike and I came up with this one:

• The cops are like bumblebees; don't piss off them and they won't piss off you.

Jokes (all based off of true things, by the way):

• I love B.B. King. He's my favorite. But the fact that he has the title“King of the Blues,” is... I mean it's just a pretty huge title to have. I mean, the title he has just makes this official: B.B. King is the King of sad people singing about sadness.

• I'm such a young person that earlier today when I was in this awesome antique shop (in Essex, Connecticut, by the way) I managed to find a cribbage board and it took me forever to figure out this item wasn't a new-agey piece of wooden art titled “cabbage.”

• I once was with this person and we were sitting together eating crescent rolls. I pointed out the part of one roll I was eating where the bread starts to bend and I said “I call this part of the crescent roll, the neck! The crescent neck! If it were alive that's where it's neck would be!” Shortly after I said “Isn't it awesome to be around a really creative guy?” and without missing a beat they said “No. It's exhausting,” but they were really tired at the time and they smushed the word “it's,” and the word “exhausting,” together so that it just sounded like “iszazausting.”

• I hate that you have to pay for cable and for magazines yet you're still bombarded with commercials. Well, you know what? I'm going to switch over to a form of entertainment that's tried and true! I'm going to switch over to a form of entertainment that has been around for centuries! I'm going to switch over to a form of entertainment the likes of which contains merit that knows no bounds! That is: erotic-fantasy-Hispanic-gang-fight graphic novels.

• Whenever I have to buy greeting cards at Hallmark I feel sad. There's no stronger reminder that I'm not capable of being sweet, witty, sincere, and selfless and that I have to pay $4 for 3 sentences worth of that shit.

• I happen to have a brother that's quite young and has been to Greece, Israel, and more. But it's not like I haven't done anything with my life. I've gotten that rare throwback kind of Mountain Dew with sugar instead of syrup at Walmart, Target, and an Exxon gas station.

• Everyone tells you about the stress you experience when you go through your first day of school, puberty, and your first relationship and break up but why is no one ever talking about diarrhea? Why?!

• I think cars and hotel rooms are a lot alike: I don't like my dead hookers to float around either for too too long. (This is stupid and untrue. Rest reassured: I am now frowning at myself on your behalf.)

• One day in my history class my teacher was presenting a series of quotations from early America and added “Gee, a lot of this has a lot of Harry Potter patois to it.” At first I didn't know what patois was (first clue: it is, in fact, a French word) but then I looked it up and it means my history teacher is a big fucking nerd.

• I like offending people in really sneaky, subtle, and deceitful ways: that's why half of my “Hi My Name Is,” name tags read “G. Sus Christ.”