Transcribed Stand-Up Set

Here is a transcript of the stand-up set:

As an fyi (in case it's not 100% clear in this) all the things/stories/observations of my life I say in this are true... and when they're not you'll be able to tell instantly... Enjoy!

Hi, my name's Jacob Polisson.

It's good to be here and it's good to see you. I hope you're doing well.

To tell you about myself, I love board games. I can't get enough.

(At this point in time a man in the audience laughs [inappropriately as there hasn't been a joke told yet].)

(Me, in response)...Not yet. We'll get there.

(Me, continuing right back into the act) My favorite board game happens to be that board game “Sorry.” I've been playing family and friends for decade and it's the best board game there is. But if you don't have “Sorry,”... or you're just not a fan of “Sorry,”... you can always play the alternative “It's not my fault! I blame the Jews.”

 Yeah. When I was a little kid I loved the movie “Toy Story.” And maybe you like it, maybe you don't. Who cares.

But I think it would be super easy to make from "Toy Story," a whole new movie called “Sex Toy Story.”

You wouldn't even have to change the name of the characters. I mean, the main character in that movie is named Woodie... so... get real.

I would never ever associate myself with a brothel. You know brothels? Tiny-assed, dark places filled with hookers? Yeah. No fun.

I would never associate myself with brothels however I would like to do something special and I would like to open a classy one for a start. I want to have and I want to design it after London's own Buckingham Palace... one of the most beautiful places in the whole world. And I'm going to name my brothel “Fuckingham Palace.”

And we could have a motto, like “Nonstop elegance... Fuckingham Palace...”

Eh, fuck that joke. I don't even like that joke. Fuck that joke right up it's stinky... (my voice trails off).. ya know, an important thing to me...

An important thing to me is that I never want to be sick. Because we all have trouble with it to a degree and it's not very talked about. So I never, ever want to be sick. My family's had trouble with it to a degree. So I never want to be sick and I never want to have anything serious like a... like a tumor.

But-- ya know-- there's something silly about the word tumor because it sounds like something you'd get at a deli. Ya know? You go into a deli and the deli guy goes “What can I get ya chief?” You go “I want a tumor-fish sandwich! But not too much mayonnaise!” It can fuck up the whole endeavor... of food.

And don't get me started on Asians! I mean, I can sum up my feeling on Asian people in just one word! Exterminate.

I can't wait to have my own elevator company. And our motto? Stairs: taking you to the a whole 'nother level... (I mumble)... ugh, that was so dumb...

Ya know, I've been living in apartment buildings nearly my whole life... and it's fine... but you have to be very careful on what floor you live in because you have to get to the laundry room in the basement on the bottom floor.

So I'll leave you with.. I'll give you this knowledge... 32D is my favorite bra size... but a terrible apartment number.

This is going to have to take a lot of focus from the audience but I think we can do it... I would never take my balls... out of my pants... in a courtroom... because there's a time and a place for that... in a ballroom... at balls o'clock. (I mumble)... that was fucking dumb as shit...

Ya know, I have a joke about dating people and hitting on people... I'm in a bit of a pickle because I can't decide which is sadder: being so profoundly lonely that you hit on a bus or getting hit by a bus! Yah! Probably a tie.

Okay... um...what else... I think that's all I got... but hey. You have been an audience... and a good one. Thanks for doing it.