NEW SH*T

Things I would tweet if I had a Twitter:






- Achoo!



- I'm pleased to announce I'll be getting a massage soon at my college at a building called the "Relaxation Station."






- It's right 'round the corner from the "Chillage Village."






- It's right right 'round the corner from the "Snorer's Corner."





- It's right 'round the corner from the "Layabout Longitude."







- It's right 'round the corner from the "Slumber Lumber."







- Okay, I'm done now.



- I don't mean to be judgmental but whacking off in a graveyard is where I draw the line. (The things I've read in the paper lately!)







- Tough loves doesn't work. It lead to personality disorders and the type of fetishes you don't know exist.



- I like Robot Unicorn Attack. I'm addicted like it's Robot Unicorn Smack.



- I heard someone on the bus say to their friend "We're having dinner... but not like that."




Because dinner is a euphemism for romance. And possibly sex. And because women... possibly crying. And possibly a combination of all three.







- I like a collected person. I do not like to collect people (I'm looking at you human-traffickers!)







-Beer is the breakfast of champions but sear...ed duck is the breakfast of champions like me! Lanky, cholesterol-conscious champions.