NEW SH*T

I got some stand-up coming out really soon. Strong jokes in there. These are okay too:



Observations:

- When you first meet someone with a thick Southern accent in real life it's fucking odd.

New is scary.

When you first a hear a guy with his thick accent you expect him to be saying weird shit like “I reckon y'all don't know, but I gotta friend named Pharoh. He wrestles squirrels.”

But instead they say thing like “Okay, here we are, University of Virginia; that'll be $25.97.”

Because they are taxi drivers. People with Southern accents. All of them.

- I hate pity and self pity and heavy-heartedness but they don't tell you a big part of college is just sitting in the food court. Just sitting there, listening to the staff say

“Get the broccoli ready, Doris!

Doris, get it READY!

Get it READY, Doris! Get the BROCCOLLI, READY!”

So...

- I can't wait for my indie rock band. I'll call it “Cous Cous with Feta.” We'll be the new “Vampire Weekend.” We'll write the new “Cousins.”

- Is it bad if the Mario-flight-cap song is my favorite symphonic work?

(I actually don't like this joke because I don't much care for video games. But, anyway...)

- You ever been watching a documentary on Food Network about how Doritos are made and think “Why am I fucking watching this?! This isn't even interesting!” Yeah, me too.

You ever go to a mall to buy shoes and it ends up taking two hours and you think “Good G-d, I just spent two hours of my life buying shoes! Two fucking hours. Because I wanted it to go so quickly...in and out... and things came up and I couldn't find the right place in the mall... I might have to move to Japan now...they have a five year longer life expectancy in Japan... I mean after I spent two hours on this shit... I'm surprised I haven't grown a beard during this shop...Jesus...” I'm a very practical guy. I'm a fuckin'... no frills shoe shopper.

- To those that-- on the subject of gay marriage-- say “It's Adam and Eve! Not Adam and Steve!” I offer the idea of this marriage happening and say deal with it: