NEW SH*T

Jokes:

- I think it's bullshit that “Fill 'er up!” isn't allowed to be screamed at restaurants-- regarding soda glasses-- and it's only allowed and normal at just gas stations. I don't think you should have to be at a Shell full-service station to be able to shout that. I think at TGI Fridays on a crowded Friday Night, you should be totally allowed to make that shit happen.

This is a cause I'm willing to fight for.

I mean, imagine if this actually caught on?.... Soda on demand? Life would be a wonderland.

- What do you call a bunch of churro-eating poor people?

. . .

Mexicans.

- I know a guy named “Naughty Noah,” who used to get in trouble for sneaking into girls locker rooms

. . .

and then murdering the girls.

- Sonia Sotomayor is my favorite associate justice of the Supreme Court. Not really a joke, but I was hoping it'd be an exciting non-sequitur.

A Weird/Silly Sketch:

Meal Eaten By Dysfunctional Family at a Triangular Shaped Table.

(This was inspired by Bob's Burgers. It was inspired by the precocious young characters, situations, and absurdist tone.)

A family sits at a triangular shaped table so that a mother, father, and son sit next to each other at the “fat end” of the table and their young daughter is sitting alone, far away, at the “pointy side” of the table. The family would all sit next to each other but for whatever reason this is the table they're stuck with and they have no choice but to sit in this formation.

MOTHER: So, Danny, good G-d...you got back from school so late today.

SON: I know.

FATHER: What on Earth took you so long?

SON: I don't know. I just...

YOUNG DAUGHTER (shouting from end of table): Danny, you're later than a two-month overdue infant! What took ya?!

SON: (sounding bummed out) Just on my way here, I wasn't feeling top-notch. It's kinda just... one of those days... ya know?

MOTHER: Danny, you sound down in the dumps.

SON: Yeah... I...

FATHER: Danny, you do not sound tremendously happy.

SON: Right, it's just...

YOUNG DAUGHTER (shouting from end of table): Hey Sad-Sack-Mc-Fuck-Face! What's with the long face, cockless?!

SON: Demi just broke up with me!

MOTHER: Why, that's too bad!

SON: I know, it's...

FATHER: That's one of the less good pieces of news I've gotten!

SON: Exactly, especially considering...

YOUNG DAUGHTER (shouting from end of table): You're better off without that gold-digging, two-timing Bratz doll, anyway, Danny-boy!

SON: What I'm trying to say is that she broke up with me to go date Bradley!

MOTHER: Well! Isn't that shame?!

SON: Right! What makes it worse is...

FATHER: Well, I'll eat my hat if that Bradley ever gets a gosh-darned thing you don't, have Danny.

SON: Thanks! But what I'm getting at is...

YOUNG DAUGHTER (shouting from end of table): That Bradley's so thick I bet he couldn't finish a G-ddamn book with no pictures, Danny! He can choke on a portly one!

SON: Bradley was the one that convinced her to break up with me!

MOTHER: Golly, that's just putting salt in the wound!

SON: I know!

FATHER: If that isn't kicking a dead horse, I'm not quite sure what is!

SON: Right?

YOUNG DAUGHTER (shouting from end of table): The hell with 'im! Bradley can move to Ethiopia!

SON: The bottom line is I'm going to have to move on!

MOTHER: Time heals all wounds.

SON: I think so, yeah.

FATHER: You'll be better off without her, son.

SON: Yeah, you're right.

YOUNG DAUGHTER (shouting from end of table): I say next time you get all hot and bothered take care of it ya self, ya schlemiel!

end