NEW SH*T

• A story:

One time I got caught peeing outside of my apartment building. It was winter and I had to go so I just peed by a stairway near my building because no one was even close to around.

A few moments later I heard someone say “Aw, you doin' that right on the snow there? Nasty.”

True story.

I call bad form on her though... that neighbor that saw that...

because she could have waited until I was done.

It was an intimate activity.

It was a function I needed to complete to still have life.

Plus, I have one kidney.

No joke.

One.

Kidney.

I call bad form.

On her.

• A dark, random character:

“I hate myself a lot. But no, like a whole lot.” - Self-Loathing Sam

“Cars run on ethanol. I run on self-loathe-o-hol.” - Self-Loathing Sam

“It's gotten to the point now where I've nicknamed my bedroom the self-loathing chamber.” - Self-Loathing Sam

“My family is like a zoo and I'm the filthiest, most shame-repelling animal at the zoo... the Brooklyn zoo...” -Self-Loathing Sam

“To say I have 'medium-self-esteem' would be generous.” -Self-Loathing Sam

“To say I have 'medium-self-esteem' is wishful thinking.” -Self-Loathing Sam

“To say I have 'medium-self-esteem would be a bit much.” -Self-Loathing Sam

“I'm really fat and awful. They ought to make a remix of the Deadmau5 song 'Ghosts N Stuff' called 'Engrossed in Marshmallow Fluff.' Because I'm awful. And my body's big. And my shits look like terrible oversized Hershey Kisses.”

(Sidebar: I learned the comparison of shits to Hershey Kisses my freshman year of high school by my teacher who's first name was Melinda. If they're healthy, apparently that's what they're shaped like, man.)

- My theme song is 'Danse Macabre.' Ya know. That hit from 1874. Fuckin'...Danse Macabre.” -Self-Loathing Sam

- “Ya know how Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion? I should do that. And change my name to Snoop-Dreadful.” -Self-Loathing Sam

- “Ya know how Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion? I should do that. And change my name to Snoop-I-Deserve-To-Get-Hit-By-A-Bus.”

• Just notes about me. And by just, I mean you're G-ddamn right you're going to read some notes about me. NOW:

- I'm a person with values: to name a few I like commitment, delayed gratification, and steadfastness. Also, I hide morning wood around neighbors if I can help it.

You're welcome neighbors.

-Additionally, I never demonstrate that I know all the dance moves to Snoop Dogg and Pharrell Williams' 2004 hit “Drop It Like It's Hot.”

I'm saving it... honestly.

Because the world's not ready. For such a gentleman and a scholar.

The world is full of children and fools.

And so one day...

one day...

I will prove that I'm not afraid...

to be delightful.

- I love beauty schools. They teach you the truthful lesson it's what's on the outside that counts. And we should drive all ugly people...

in one bus...

off a cliff...

and into a volcano.

But nothing more inspires the thought “REALLY? REALLY? REALLY, how good are... people?

The answer, I think?

Medium. Medium good.

- I love Louis CK. The only thing I find funnier is that kind of joke that start with 'Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.' Or 'Big Vagina' jokes à la Larry David.

- You ever been eating spaghetti... then you think “Whoa, how'd I manage to get tomato sauce in my eyebrows?” Um. Me neither.

- As one gets older one seems to have a lot less milestone like “First Kiss,” and a lot more like “Worst Diarrhea Yet.”