NEW SH*T

Jokes and thoughts and stuff:

• I saw a billboard that read “Need soil? ...Dirtguytopsoil.com. Talk to the Dirt Guy.” That is one weird billboard. Does that product really call for advertising on a highway?

• I like all the special slurs that we as a society have come up with for all kinds of people but we shouldn't underestimate the insult of calling someone a “world-class loser.” It always makes people feel bad!

• I really love cotton candy. No one else is ever saying it. It's like a taboo or something. But yeah, cotton candy is the greatest and you better believe I ain't afraid to admit it.

• I had this one thought and I think it might be interesting: and that's just that there's no such thing as having nothing. Because whether you're in love with them or not everyone has a mother, a father, a hometown, and a whole bunch of other things. It's kind of a nice thought, right? I dunno, just saying I guess.

• Cross dressing is always funny. Because men are supposed to wear men's clothes... and when they're not... just... oh my G-d. It's always surprising. Certainly, not always attractive but always surprising.

• I want to start a campaign to make depression a cooler, more accepted thing in American society. I want to have a billboard campaign where all the billboards read “Be D-Coolest! Accept D-Pression!”

• You ever have eye contact with people of the opposite gender? Aw, man. That's some good stuff.

• I've learned to deal with and accept the futility of spell check. Spell check does not find everything. I remember once I got yelled at by a teacher really badly for not manually looking over an essay because in that essay there was the word “hen,” instead of “then,” without exaggerating, about a dozen times. Lesson learned, man.

SNL weekend-update style jokes (ya know: it's kinda pop-culture stuff):

• The other day I was in a subway where there were barely any seats in the entire restaurant. I think Subway should change it's motto from “Eat Fresh,” to their new motto: “Get your stuff and then get the hell out.”

• I have a great idea for a new Subway breakfast promotion where they start having croissants and they can change their motto from “Eat Fresh,” to “Eat French.” (That joke's dumb. That's really, really dumb. Not even that cute. Dumb.)

• Shrek the musical is coming to my hometown with giant, green, singing ogres and all. Something tells me the green, sexy Broadway dancers that go along with that show would do it for me. I've had a thing for multicolored ladies ever since Avatar. (These are lies, folks. Lies. The next thing is full of lies too. Sorry about it.)

• You ever want to hold a girl's hand and then look her in the eye and express... at long last... that your love for her is-- because, ultimately, who cares what people think of me and because it's so urgent that it's said-- that your love for this one girl is no mere, second-rate, shoddy companionate love but instead passionate love (all of which is explainable through psychology, by the way but basically...) that this love you have, that you're afraid to own up to is saturated... no, permeated with magic and alchemy and conjury that one can't help but find this love profoundly mysterious, puzzling, and most of all awe-inspiring and lovely? You ever have that kind of love that can heal trauma and make it vanish into thin air like the way dew often finds it's way off grass? Yo, also, have your balls ever itched in the shower? Maybe it's all the diarrhea and constipation I've been having but that balls itching in the shower thing? That's totally a thing that may or may not have happened to me once, just saying.

• From these one or two marriages I've heard about marriage ought to be called cartilage instead of marriage because the rules of it get really flexible. That's just kind of a strange, yucky joke. But hey, it's kind of cool in a way too. I mean in it, I made the institution of marriage my play-thing. Kinda badass and stuff. I dunno.