NEW SH*T

Jokes (some of which revolve around the theme of the teachings of Confucius):

Let's get the filth out of the way:

-Confucius (the very famous, well-respected Chinese philosopher) taught that the object of the superior man is the truth. The truth is I find nipples to look really radical.

-Here's a filthy character: the porn star that says “neighbor,” like Ned Flanders from The Simpsons after every filthy thing she says. Here's some dialogue:

“I want to squeeze your gigantic, delicious ass... neighbor!”

That's plenty of filth. Let's get to the good stuff.

-Dilbert and Paul Blart have nothing to do with each other... other than being rivals for the dumbest character names in the history of the Earth.

- I have this stupid part of my brain where when I see a friend smoking a cigarette I think “How much of a badass is this guy?! I bet the next thing he's going to do is covet his neighbor's wife!”

- Very long, true story short I was in my local town hall and I saw a sign for a local company called “Nick's Car Detailing.” It had a little cartoon on it too. I just thought the thing was so damn quaint it made the nice, charming, sweet parts of To Kill A Mockingbird look like The Shawshank Redemption.

- Confucius was the start to radical changes in China thousands and thousands of years ago beginning with extreme value of friends and family which eventually effected government as well as led to the creation of the golden rule. Plus, we all know the reason the golden rule is important: because it led to the premise of the pilot of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Plus, without Confucius, ultimately, Larry David would be a lot less funny.


- Remembering embarrassing things from your past is the worst. That's why the timing's never been better for me to come across this lobotomy-coupon I just found. (This is a weird joke. Sorry. Ya deserve better. Maybe next time, though, I'll hit one out of the park).