NEW SH*T

If you're new to this thing and you haven't seen any of my stand-up yet and you would like to you can find my most recent set here: http://youtu.be/ZPNPYArI6NY (there's a transcription of that set here) and the other stand-up videos here: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheJakecomedy/videos

Here are some jokes and finally a nice, new memoir. As usual I think there are no typos but no promises. Enjoy!:

- It's a controversial opinion, but I think, having money is nice... ya know? I know it's a risky, no-bars-held point of view but... just saying what everyone's thinking, man. Money... is good. That's what I think. That's who I am. Take it or leave it.

- Apparently, Albert Einstein got around big time and and cheated on his wife with his secretary Betty Neumann. If you ask me Einstein really just breathed new life into the phrase “A gentleman and a scholar.”

- Old but good (the rest of this is new): I think it would be super easy to make from Toy Story a whole new movie called “Sex Toy Story.” You wouldn't even have to change the names of the characters. I mean the main character in that movie is named “Woodie,” so... get real

- I like the idea behind Toy Story which are stories about characters that should never talk, interacting with each other. I'm fascinated with that but I want to see some even more gritty stories. Like I want to hear the story of a puppy's chew toy... but not only that, but that kind of chew toy that has one of those squeaky things in it, ya know? Like, that chew toy would have one to-hell-and-back stories if I've ever heard one.

Here is a strong memoir. Just remembered that this happened. I've had a bit of quirky life but this is in the top five of oddest, most traumatic thing to happen in it. My hand to G-d, all true:

Trials and Tribulations of Flirting

      I have the weirdest having-a-crush story ever and here it is:

      Once-- on a family trip to San Diego-- my family was driven from the San Diego International airport to our hotel. As we rode, even with the pitch black interior of the taxi, I made note that next to our non-descript taxi driver, in the passenger seat, there was a woman.

      I made conversation with the woman during the ride talking about San Diego, and how I had lived there for years previous to the visit, and also happened to mention things like authentic Californian guacamole and Facebook to which the lady said she wasn't involved in.

      As we talked I decided I really liked the lady's voice and we had bonded quickly and strongly.

     When I got the hotel I said something to my brother like “That lady I was talking to sure was nice,” or “She sure sounded cute,” or something and my brother replied “I guess, but she's a little old.” And I put the pieces together-- between her saying she didn't use the computer or Facebook and Louis mentioning “she's a little old”-- and it hit me I had been flirting with what I thought was a woman my age but actually flirted with a woman that could easily have been in her 50s. Absolutely, one-hundred-percent true. Lesson? Don't trust the dark, bro.