NEW SH*T

If you're new to this thing and you haven't seen any of my stand-up yet and you would like to you can find my most recent set here: http://youtu.be/ZPNPYArI6NY (there's a transcription of that set here) and the other stand-up videos here: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheJakecomedy/videos

Jokes:

- I think as we get older we get more insecure about our looks. What I want to do most is tell all forty-year-old women on Earth that they truly look pretty... and then buy them margaritas and then take advantage of their drunkness... by holding their hands against their better judgement.

Here is a sketch:

Giving a Complement to a Very Neurotic Person

WOMAN: Hi, sir. I like your shirt.

MAN: Well, I had my doubts about it and the levels of flamboyancy of this shirt when I was trying it on at 7:43 this morning if you can even call me being awake at that hour of the day and I was worried that it was stretched out because these sleeves are wide like the day is long and even that's an understatement if you really, truly analyze it, if you even feel like doing that, because I don't want to assume you feel like analyzing any of this... but hey... thanks.

More jokes:

- I'm 19 and a still have a stuffed animal in my home. Great. At this rate I'll be 50 some day and still have a binky floating around.

- You ever hear a woman and notice how much higher their voice is than yours? Because I've spent more time around men than women and so sometimes when I hear a woman's voice for a change, I think, “Hey, you're not doing it right.” Talking, that is. Not doing talking, right.

A sensitive subject but I think handled well below if you read through:

-. Autism has a prevalence of autism is about 1–2 per 1,000 people worldwide. I've heard from friends that work with autistic people it's tiring but rewarding. Sometimes people with autism can have an unfiltered joy that those without the disorder can truly envy. But it's something we ought to be conscious of because a fraction of all people have autism and when you're bringing a child into the world it's like your drawing straws for if they have all kinds of disorders or conditions or don't . In fact, I think we ought to change the name of autism to Straw-tism.

Please read the post below if you haven't!