NEW SH*T

Below is a memoir. It is true. It is true and a thing that happened to me. I'll shoot ya straight. I'll tell you like it was. In the old days. This is true. This is a true memoir. Dumb memoir. Pardon the grammar errors. Here.

Reflecting on the Subject of the Toothfairy

      When I found out the toothfairy wasn't real my blood pressure shot up thirty points. I balled my hands into fists and glared at that ten year old at my summer camp that had just disillusioned me with the words “You know the toothfairy is just your mom, right?” I don't remember what the summer camp was. I don't remember how old I was. I just remember the moment. This is how trauma works, folks.

      “Eat a dick!” I wanted to shout at the ten year old, had that been in my vocabulary at the time. Anyway, the meanest I could come up with at the time would probably be “Eat a stale pop tart!” Doesn't have the same...

      Anyway, I replied “Yeah, I obviously already knew that.” But I didn't know that and my cardiovascular system didn't know what true rage felt like. I was made a clown of. I thought the world was magic and then... no tooth fairy? I mean... does it even count as living if your life is toothfairy-free?

     Just kidding! Things seem to have worked out just fine... since getting that news.

A comedy bit. Not a true comedy bit. But a comedy bit:

- I have this friend in prison... yeah, that's right... in the prison of closeted homosexuality!

- Don't tell him that Jacob told you though... ya know... my name is mud.

That bit was dumb. You deserve better. That was a bit that requires a different kind of thinking to come up with... granted... but different doesn't always mean worse!

Another joke:

- Philosopher Immanuel Kant said that "Of the crooked timber of humanity, no straight thing can ever be made." But then how do you explain my straight-up swagger?