NEW SH*T

Just some jokes as usual:

- How many AIDS patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just kidding. They can't screw in lightbulbs! Because some are more virus than host.

- I want to have a Frankenstein's laboratory kind of moment where through genetic crossing I come up with a clipple: a combination of a clitoris and a nipple. Like an organ that is just that. Just saying.

- This one time my left nipple got hard, which was weird because... there wasn't even a change in temperature. Ya know? Just on it's own, is all I'm saying. Randomly. It happened randomly. That's all.

-I love watching comedy a whole lot. I love comedy like they hate gays in the South. I love comedy like women love gays in the North-East. Just saying.

- Swiss cheese is exactly what it sounds like. Just saying. Like, I got curious and looked it up and read “Swiss cheese is a generic name for several related varieties of cheese which resemble the Swiss Emmental.” Knowledge is power.

A strange character monologue/riff. It's based off a crazy thing that I heard went down at my high school prom. I hope you enjoy it:

A DUDE: Hey, man...don't you just hate it when you're slow dancing with a sexy, brassy girl during your high school prom and everything's going great like you dreamed of when suddenly you accidentally shart all over your tuxedo pants and loafers? And some gets on her dress, too? Oh my G-d. I mean talk about a rotten time... in the sense that the tuxedo pants can get moldy and rotten if you let the diarrhea slosh around them for long enough. Just saying. This happened to me. It's just the truth. Just saying. Just saying. That needs dry cleaning in that situation. Also. Just saying.

A (less strange) sketch:

The Impression I Get of Reality Courtroom Shows from Watching Clips of a Bunch of Them

(Judge asks for order in the court and signals this with her gavel. The Judge calls attention to the plaintiff.)

PLAINTIFF: I'm right! I know that it looks like my dog took a shit on my neighbor's lawn but I swear it wasn't my dog! It was my ex-husband's dog! This obviously means I'm innocent here.

JUDGE: I hear you and officially find your argument stupid. Kinda worthless, basically. The other guy wins, dude...you weren't really convincing...so...yeah...peace, bitch.

Here's some sitcomy/-very-slightly-Seinfeldy/sketchy kind of dialogue:

On the Subject of French

STUDENT 1: You have no idea how bad my French class is, dude. It sucks about eleven dicks at once. But I did learn something interesting, actually. Did you know that according to this guy George Weber, until the end of the nineteenth century, nobody could sound educated without speaking French?

STUDENT 2: Nah.

STUDENT 1: Well, it's true. If you didn't speak French in the 1800's you sounded like a total moron.

STUDENT 2: Good to know. Oh, by the way did you know every day you inhale about 1 liter of other dudes' anal gasses? From their asses. From cornholes. That's absolutely true. 100%. That's a real statistic, no joke. Look it up.

STUDENT 1: Okay, okay. I believe that, but that's nasty as fuck. Why would you tell me that?

STUDENT 2: Because I know a lot, too, asshole. I guess dumb plebeians like you can't handle such sophisticated, intelligent information but I'm a Renaissance man, dude. Cornhole gas is all around us. Be a grown-up and realize that. But I gotta go, actually . Peace out, Mr. “All-Smart-People-Used-to-Speak-French.” Au revoir, pal.