The fives jokes below after the first
three may appear in my next stand-up set. Get amped.
- I just finished Eric Clapton's 328
page autobiography. I'm 328% proud of myself.
- I loved the Clapton memoir, though.
It was a great throwback. It was interesting to read about when bands
had managers telling them what to do whereas now bands' biggest boss
is iTunes.
- Lately I've truly, truly loved the
comedy of this comedian Julie Klausner and this comedian Moshe
Kasher. Those two are funnier than a blue firetruck.
-“I have no qualms with that.” - Me
getting offered my dream job
- “I have no qualms with that.” -
Me getting offered head
- “I have no qualms with that.” -
Me getting offered head position at the office of my dream job
- I can't wait until I'm really old.
I'll say things like “What are those G-ddamn kids next door doing
up at 3 AM! 2 AM central!” I'll have a job in television.
- When masturbating a lot of men have
the obstreperousness of a collicky baby.
- I've read “In a 2005 review
article, clinical psychologist Elizabeth Allen and colleagues
estimate that some 22 to 25% of all men and 11 to 15% of all women
report engaging in extramarital sex.” I figured 22 to 25% of men
having affairs sounded about right (we're a medium-good bunch) but
G-ddamn you 11 to 15% of women; you surprised me.
- If people saw the way I danced to
Neon Hitch's cover of Wiz Khalifa's “On My Level,”they would
be... impressed would be an understatement.
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